I'm surprised I can still login to this thing after all this time.
It's obvious that if any of you still check this from time to time, I don't post here anymore. My will to write my thoughts down has come and gone, and although I still want to continue writing, I just don't have the urge at this point in my life. Hopefully one day that will change, but until then, this is The Bill signing off.
Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan appeared on "Ellen", that pseudo-talk show hosted by (still) gay Ellen Degeneres.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't knock Ellen Degeneres. I actually find her to be pretty funny and even though her talk show requires a lot of tolerance, I'm just bitter because I hate Lindsay Lohan.
Anyway, that red-haired kid that starred (twice) in The Parent Trap appeared on the show to talk about a few things: her upcoming movie Georgia Rule that is sure to cause many mothers in North America to sit awkwardly next to their teenage daughters after forcing them to go watch the movie with them, her new tattoo that says "breathe" (I'll get to that) and her 21st birthday that happens July 2nd.
While discussing her birthday, Ms. Lohan couldn't stop talking about how great it was to finally almost be legal so her club owner friends could let her in without worrying about getting in trouble. Did she forget she was a huge celebrity? Is she really trying to treat us like we're dumber than she is?
Lindsay Lohan has been going to clubs since she was 12. I'm pretty sure she was able to down a six pack before she could walk, which just ended up making things harder for her. Is she honestly trying to act like she doesn't get special treatment because she's a Hollywood starlet with a huge...bank account?
Spare us Lindsay. Why do you have to make the whole world watch you turn 21? Can't you just say exactly what everyone should be thinking? "Turning 21 isn't a big deal. I mean, so I'm legal. Big whoop." *pulls out a flask full of vodka and takes several huge gulps* "What were we talking about?"
Oh yeah, and Ellen asked her why her tattoo said "breathe". Lindsay replied, I kid you not: "because sometimes I forget to breathe."
Don't worry Lindsay, I'm sure the police will remind you. "Just blow into this.....hm, 0.21 eh? You're a champ, but you're not under arrest because you're famous. Oh, before you go, can you sign this picture for my daughter? She's 15 and she idolizes you because I've failed as a father. Thanks Ms. Lohan, you drive safe. Try not to hit any kids on the way home."
Sounds strange doesn't it? But it's true. Another St. Patrick's Day has come and gone and I've learned so much because of it:
1) Green Beer Just Tastes Better I haven't figured out this phenomenon yet, but when I do I'll let you know. For some reason, adding a tasteless dye to beer gives it an extra kick of flavour. It doesn't make sense, but trust me. Once you've done it, you'll know what I'm talking about.
2) This Isn't Prison So don't feel you have to prove yourself by picking a fight with the largest man at the party, which brings me to my next point:
3) Head + Drywall = Funny If you choose to fight the largest man at the party, don't expect any sympathy when you get DDT'd through a wall.
4) Beer Pong Is JUST A GAME I take it just as seriously as the next person, but c'mon. It's not worth getting killed over. The competitive spirit is in the air and when mixed with alcohol, it can become violent, but let's not get stupid here guys. Talk trash, have some fun, but don't go picking fights because you lost by one cup and somebody mouthed off at you.
5) The Maple Leafs Still Suck I was upset they weren't wearing their throwback Toronto St. Pat's jerseys. It was probably why they lost to Montreal in a shootout. Fucking Leafs.
Day One: Three Days Before the Brackets Are Released Alright, March Madness baby! Time to cheer for schools that have nothing to do with me and players I'll never hear of again in order to win a betting pool. GO TAR HEELS!
Day Four: Brackets Are Released Right on! Oral Roberts got in! Stephen Colbert picked them to win and since he's on TV, he's probably going to be right. They'll be my upset, the other guys will never see it coming. GO TAR HEELS! Day Five: Round 1 Begins Yeah!! Oral Roberts is up at Halftime! I got this shit locked!
Day Seven: Round 1 Ends I AM SO FUCKED!! Day Eight: Round 2 Begins Alright, I can still take this thing. I'm sitting in 4th right now, but if Vanderbilt pulls out a win and the rest of my picks stay where they are, I'll be ahead of that son of a bitch Alex and tied for 1st. GO TAR HEELS!
Day Twelve: Final Four WOOO!! I'm back in this baby! I'm the MAN! Nobody picks them like me! Tied for first and if my picks make it through, that pool money will be mine! ALL MINE!! GO TAR HEELS!
Day Fifteen: Florida Wins the National Championship FUCK THE TAR HEELS!
Man, I'm really letting The Journal slip these days. If any of you out there still read this thing, I sincerely apologize. I'll get this baby back on track one day, you'll see.
Until then, I want to share some random thoughts I've been mulling over as of late and see your input on them. Here goes nothin'.
-Ann Coulter recently called Democratic Presidential Nominee hopeful John Edwards a faggot. I've done the whole "Ann Coulter is hurting America" thing before, so we'll skip that and get to my point, which is a picture of her I saw recently. I noticed that blonde isn't her natural hair colour. Funny how someone so quick to judge other people isn't comfortable with her own appearance.
-Barack Obama is running for Democratic Presidential Nominee and it's looking like he could win (provided Hilary Clinton gets hit by a bus). How come 3 years ago, nobody could get over John Kerry's supposed "flip-flopping", yet they love this Obama guy who can't even choose a race?
-Speaking of Democratic Presidential Nominees, why are there like 50 of them? Do they all think they even stand a chance at beating Barack or Hilary? Furthermore, why are they even bothering to run when they all know that John McCain is going to win? "Hmm, let's see...I can vote for an old, familiar war veteran who is well-known as a New Republican, or I can vote for a woman/semi-black semi-Muslim guy." Americans are so predictable.
-What the fuck ever happened to Iran? Weren't they going to nuke us like 6 months ago? And North Korea! I know their weapons are a joke, but if they blow up Japan, their going to blame the Allies for not doing anything. Not like Japan's never been nuked before. Of all countries, their the only ones that have had practice. They can take care of themselves.
-Why are we still talking about Iraq? Believe it or not, we've got bigger problems out there. Like the fact that Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell have probably already made up and fucked like two ugly, fat rabbits. Oh it's happened, and as if that's not bad enough, in 9 months, Rosie's going to give birth to the Anti-Christ. Bet you didn't see that in the Book of Revelations, Robert Tilton.
I am a Community Advisor. Unlike a Resident Advisor, my main duty is to ensure the building is safe and secure, rather than to have fun and be nice to everyone.
I am in charge of the 3rd, 4th and 5th floors. Over the past couple months, the 5th floor has slowly downgraded into a state of distress and violence. I, the Community Advisor, felt it was necessary to do my job and try to liberate the people on the 5th floor from their oppressors, the drunks that fight in the halls and break things like windows and lights.
I was not welcomed as a liberator. In fact, the 5th floor is revolting against me and refusing to allow me to spread safety and security. I am America and the 5th floor is Iraq.
February is a very important month to a lot of people. Every 4 years, Leap Year enthusiasts gather to discuss the possibility of the end of the world as we know it, then drink some Kool-Aid and are discovered in a big, dead pile weeks later. Suicide hotlines work overtime in the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day. But most importantly, February is Black History Month, a month where young, black North Americans can look back on the great feats of their ancestors who paved the way for them to have the freedom to do what they want and be treated equally.
It's also the month in which Eddie Murphy releases his new movie, "Norbit".
I would like to call upon an episode of "The Boondocks" for a moment. For those of you who have never seen or heard of "The Boondocks", it's an animated series that revolves around the lives of two black kids who move in with their rich grandfather in the white suburbs. Hilarity ensues. Anyway, in this particular episode, we're given a look at what life might be like for black people had Martin Luther King Jr. never been killed. He wakes up from a coma nearly 30 years after his shooting and has a look at where his hard work and determined messages have led to. Expecting black people in the area to have taken his messages to heart and worked hard to be treated equally, he is disappointed to find that they've done nothing with themselves and are a bunch of poor gangsters who would rather drink 40s and party. In his final speech at the end of the episode, he basically tells all the black people he runs into "thanks for nothing".
I'm pretty sure if MLK were alive today, he'd tell Eddie Murphy the same damn thing. Hell I'm really disappointed in him myself. Eddie Murphy is one of my favourite stand-up comedians. Some of his movies in the 80s and 90s were hilarious. "Beverly Hills Cop", "Coming To America" and "Life" just to name a few. But what in the hell is he thinking with this crap? Did he fall into Martin Lawrence's wardrobe? Who told him that the only way for a black man to be funny in a movie is to dress up like a fat black woman?
I'd call for a boycott of this movie, but it's obvious crapiness should sway us all to avoid it anyway.
With the 2007 season of Major League Soccer beginning in a few months, several big changes have occurred and it's quickly looking like this will be the most exciting season in MLS history.
The addition of the first Canadian team, Toronto FC. The rumours circulating that Brazilian superstar Ronaldo might sign with a U.S. team. But the big news obviously is the L.A. Galaxy's signing of Real Madrid star and the English gay community's unwilling poster child, David Beckham.
With all these happenings in the MLS this off-season, one stinging question remains: what will the fans at Toronto FC games chant?
You'd think the big discussion would circulate around the potential leadership of Team Captain and fellow Canadian, Jim Brennan. Or maybe circulate around the coaching staff led by Mo Johnston and their plans for the upcoming season. But oh no, the big question on everyone's mind seems to be "What are we going to scream when we get drunk at games?"
To be honest, I love the fact that people want to focus on making the games more fun and supportive of the team. It's a nice twist from the way your typical Toronto fans treat their teams...
"The Toronto Raptors will never survive in Canada. I give them 2 years." "The Leafs suck huge, they lost last night. Oh, they're making the playoffs? GO LEAFS GO!! I'M THE BIGGEST LEAFS FAN EVER!!"
Finally, Torontonians are stepping up and actually supporting a team that clearly needs it. I've searched the internet and found a few fans' ideas for chants, some of them kind of clever, but for the most part, just blatant rip-offs of English club chants. We need something original, something that says we're Canadian and we want to get drunk and watch a 90-some-odd minute scoreless tie. So I offer up these ideas...
Toronto FC - To the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" Toronto, Toronto, Toronto FC How I wonder if you'll win You probably won't but we'll still stand and cheer As long as Ronnie O'Brien buys us all a beer
Toronto, Toronto, Toronto FC How I wonder if you'll win
Aim Low, Brother Canadians - To the tune of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" Aim low, brother Canadians Comin' to carry our drunk asses home Aim low, brother Canadians Comin' to carry our drunk asses home
I looked across the field and what did I see? Comin' to carry our drunk asses home A team of reject hockey players comin' for me Comin' to carry our drunk asses home
Aim low, brother Canadians Comin' to carry our drunk asses home Aim low, brother Canadians Comin' to carry our drunk asses home
If Jim Brennan scores a goal before we finish this song Comin' to carry our drunk asses home We'll be kickin' ourselves 'cause he proved us all wrong Comin' to carry our drunk asses home
Aim low, brother Canadians Comin' to carry our drunk asses home Aim low, brother Canadians Comin' to carry our drunk asses home
Of course, if these don't catch on, from my research into the chants, I'm sure we can all agree that the last one I'm going to post is perfect and should be sung as loud as possible at every home game...
The Maple Leaf Forever
In days of yore, from Britain's shore Wolfe, the dauntless hero, came And planted firm Britania's flag On Canada's fair domain. There may it wave, our boast and pride And join in love together The thistle, shamrock, rose entwine The maple leaf forever.
Chorus The maple leaf, our emblem dear The maple leaf forever God save our King and heaven bless The maple leaf forever.
At Queenston Heights and Lundy's Lane Our brave fathers side by side For freedom, homes and loved ones dear Firmly stood and nobly died And those dear rights which they maintained We swear to yield them never Our watchword ever more shall be The maple leaf forever.
Our fair Dominion now extends From Cape Race to Nootka Sound May peace forever be our lot And plenteous store abound. And may those ties of love be ours Which discord cannot sever And flourish green o'er freedom's home The maple leaf forever.
Let's see what you guys can do. Leave a comment and make a chant of your own.
Current Music: Rage Against The Machine - "I'm Housin'"
By now we all know about the ongoing feud between Donald "The Hair" Trump and Rosie "The Dyke" O'Donnell. As always, I will fill page space to remind the ignorant human beings reading this that don't pick up a newspaper or turn on the news from time to time.
When Miss America was caught on camera in a cocaine-and-Whiskey-Sour- enduced club romp involving many boob flashes and random tongue fights with everyone in the club (and some who weren't), a bunch of people who can't mind their own business started an outcry for her to be stripped (pun intended) of her Miss America title. Vince McMahon...I mean, Donald Trump, the owner of the Miss America pageant, was the only one with the power to take her title away. After pondering for what seemed like minutes, The Donald decided to let her keep the title so she could defend it at WrestleMania...I mean next year.
This sparked a rant from the world's loudest lesbian, Rosie O'Donnell, on The View. You know The View, it's that show where four old women sip coffee and talk about their periods, assuming that people actually give a damn. Ms. O'Donnell made a comment towards Donald, saying "Trump has no right to be the moral compass for 20-year-olds", taking shots at his failed marriages to women half his age.
Do I detect a hint of jealousy? I think I do. If Rosie O'Donnell could score with women half her age, maybe she wouldn't sit on television and get her tampon all in a bunch. Feel free to use that one, Donald.
So Donald insulted Rosie back, basically flat out calling her a fat, unattractive lesbian on national television. No, it's not creative criticism. No, Donald didn't act very mature. Yes, Donald knew this beforehand and couldn't care less because he's a multi-billionaire. I say good show, Donald. Finally, a celebrity with the balls to speak their mind, no matter how immature or uncalled for it might be.
Donald is a moneymaker. When he wakes up, the first thing he thinks about is money. When he makes love to his 20-something supermodel wife, he does it in a pile of $100 bills. When a lesser human being tries to take a jab at him on national television, just days before his reality television show starts a new season, he sees it as an opportunity.
Sadly, in the battle for ratings, Rosie is mopping the floor with Donald's hair, which is why it looks so hideous. Donald need not worry though, he hasn't lost any viewers, just hasn't gained any. I don't see why it's such a victory for Rosie though. The majority of the viewers that watch The View are gossiping, middle-aged women that drive gas-guzzling SUV's to the grocery store in the mean streets of suburbia. People that watch The Apprentice are the men and women that work for a living and bring home big paychecks to the middle-aged, gas guzzlers. They need each other, but at the same time, don't.
Listen Rosie, if you want to see this pathetic ratings grab as a victory, go ahead. But if I were you, I'd break out the Haagen-Dazs and turn on the Sex In The City reruns on TBS. You've lost this round.
Legal Disclaimer In the interest of fairness, this entry is not targeted at every single drunk white woman in the history of the world, just the majority of them so please ladies, refrain from sending me hate mail/death threats/etc.
You all know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't sit there on your macho high-horse and call me a fag because I hate drunk, white women. "But Bill, drunk white chicks are so easy! It's like shooting fish in a barrel...with your penis!" This is true, but you're only helping my point.
Not only does the typical drunk white woman not respect herself enough to refrain from sleeping with the guy with the least amount of puke on his salmon-coloured polo shirt, but she doesn't respect other people enough to keep her fucking mouth shut. She thinks that everyone within a 50 meter radius of her has to know exactly how drunk she is. Or how ugly their shirt is. Or how "her and her girlz are gunna git 'r dun this fridaaayyyy~! WOOO!!"
(I hope that video works, these things are tricky...)
The above video is rare footage of ex-living comedian Bill Hicks. In the video, a drunk white woman tells him that he "sucks". Bill subsequently loses his composure and dances around the stage yelling "You are everything that is wrong in America and should be flushed down the toilet! I'm a drunk cunt! I can yell at comedians and everyone has to listen to me!"
That woman is the perfect example of what I'm talking about. I don't care if she's easy, I don't care how drunk she is and I certainly don't care what club she's going to on Friday to whore herself out in some kind of animalistic erotic dance while in a drunken stupor.
In summary, ladies, when you get drunk, shut the fuck up. If you don't, some vomit-covered volleyball player is going to try and molest you. Not because he wants you, but because he's trying to silence you by shoving his member down your throat.
Current Mood: relaxed...
Current Music: Bob Marley and the Wailers - "Easy Skanking"